The otherday my cousins andvI were talking about all the stupid shit we used to do as kids and man I miss them so much ! I'll tell you giys some of it okay :3 I can't really choose a favourite out of all of the memories we've shared. When we were kids, my auntie had this car and whenever we felt like fucking around, we'd kick her wheel and make the alarm go off, then she'd come out and scream "HOY!!" then we'd run away and laugh our asses off HAHAHAHAHA. Whenever it would rain, we'd be outside playing and running in the rain...if our g'ma would let us, that is. Whenever tuey were over, we'd play dodgeball. No, not that lame dodgeball game where you can only hit them below the waist, you can hit them anywhere ! Then at night, we'd get our auntie to watch over us while we play patintero. Or sometimes, we'd go around the neighbourhood scaring the shit out of each other. Other days, we'd try to get stray dogs to chase us. During summer, my town runs summer workshops and summer workshops = cousins = time to fuck shit up. The best part tho is all of us would sleep in one room at night, crowded assssssssss but we don't even care. When we come back, this is gonna be on repeat and there's never gonna be enough time. There never is. But when bad times come and you feel like wiping out your entire memory, these ones always end up stopping you from thinking stupid stuff. These memories over the bad ones anyday !! I wanna go home :(

Francisco Malik ! You promised me that you will reveal your true identity ! You broke your promise, it's been a year or so :'(

MUST
RESIST
MUST
SUPRESS
ALL
THESE
FEELINGS
MUST
NOT
OVER THINK
FUCK

Okay so I did something really bitchy and let anger get the best of me. I can't seem to get it off my head nor chest and I just hope blogging about it will calm me down a bit. I can't keep using 'anger' as my excuse or 'I told you I was bitchy' as an excuse. So let me tell you what happened. Long story short, my friend was telling me how to do the 7 week assessment task for bio then this guy comes up and just gives his phone to her ( she didn't take it). Obviously he wants her number and at first I chuckled because this was awkward yet flattering, I suppose, to her. I've been with this girl and countless amount of boys have asked for her number, so yeah, shes gorgeous and hot (yay for being the ugly friend yet again). Her bestfriend said "It's 04.." and he cut her off by saying, "I don't want your number," which I thought was pretty rude. By this time I was alreadt trying to contain myself thinking okay, calm down, Kars. Don't do anything stupid. It's not your situation to meddle with. Then my friend mentions that she was explaining something to me so she can't and he replied by saying that it will only take 10 seconds. I was irritated so I said "Uh, yeah, this depends on my fucking HSC," and this is where it all went downhill. He kept hassling her for her number and she was just looking away and smiling and stuff and I couldn't stand it anymore.
"Look man, she doesn't want to give you her number so fuck off."
"What the fuck is your problem?"
"You asking for her number when clearly, she doesn't want to give it"
He said, "Relax," quite a few times, which irritated me even more. This went on for about 30 seconds until he left. My friends found it funny that I was like that and mentioned that they never expected me to have that side (I've been telling people I'm a bitch and all they say is, "but you're so nice !" Point proven ? I think so.). My other friend said that that was a really mean and bitchy thing to do. "What if he just gathered the balls to ask for her number?" I am a perfect example of a walking paradox. He is obviously a dick head, you can see it from his appearance and his cocky nature; his friends were probably watching him and it was probably a dare but this conflicts with my beliefs of not assuming and being prejudice and not judging a book by its cover. My brother, father and mother explained to me that I probably just damaged his ego and confidence and that was a truly bitchy thing to do and that I should've left it alone. I understand that now. I thought I was 'protecting' a friend when all I did was damage other people and myself seeing as I'm thinking about it non-stop. At times like these, I truly loathe myself. But then people also say that I did the right thing and that my friend who made that comment didn't do anything to protect her friend. Maybe they're just saying that because they know how bad I feel and how much I overthink and beat myself up over something so little that has already happened. Hmm okay maybe only my bestfriend knows that unless others can pick that up. My friend who made that comment, I've known her since year 7 and she's seen mw get angry and cry but at that moment I think I annoyed her or even made her angry. I don't understand why but I kind of do ? My friend said that her opinion doesn't matter since she didn't do anything. I don't know. Surely she won't be angry at me over something so little, we will see. I an also kind of expecting the guy's revenge.

So in the end, a lesson is learned. If ever I get that angry, I need to contain it because it comes with consequences. I need to let things naturally happen. Also if I'm not involved in it, leave it unless people ask for my help. I also want to say, to that year 11 guy, even though you won't see this, I am deeply sorry for the way I treated you. Letting my anger get the best of me isn't enough of a reason to treat you like that. I didn't mean to do that, really.

Ugh I still feel so bad. Thinking a lot has its cons -.- I truly am one hell of a bitch

Awh man I feel so insecure...and it's all because I can't stop comparing. I feel dizzy and I feel like I'm going to throw up far out. I had work today. It was supposed to be 8:30-3:45 but I didn't leave until 4:10. Ahh whatever. Idc anymore

I don't even know, man. I have a headache and I'm dizzy and far out. My mum tells me set the table, get the food out, change the channel and she just sits. Usually yeah I don't care but I'm sick and being sick = bad mood. So I'm just lying there while things seem to be spinning and she goes to me, Karina let's eat already. Like I know they're tired from work and everything but I am also tired from school. I am also aware that I will sound like an inconsiderate bitch but I need to complain once in a while (jokes the only reason why my mouth opens is because I'm complaining about something. Hehehe sarcasm) Yeah so anyway she's just watching her tv shows and my dad is on his iphone playing candy crush and I'm on the couch lying down because sitting up or standing up is bad when you're dizzy. Yeah in the end she got up and stuff and my sister set the table. I'm not even hungry but she gets really mad at me when I don't eat so I ate a little. The other thing I hate is that my mum doesn't love vegetables and all the food we eat is either ready made and processed or just meat and rice. I want something fresh, fruits and veggies. A lot of people have been telling me to buy my own grocery (which I've done before, mind you) which isn't all that easy given my circumstances. I love meat too, it's just I think that we need to have more fresh stuff. Like I know people are busy and stuff but yeah. So anyway before I got off the couch I changed the channel because of stupid filo shows I can not stand. Then during dinner my mum realises that the channel has been changed and she started screaming. Who changed the channel ? Put it back ! I haven't watched the new episode blah blah and 1) she was still sitting and screaming instead of just getting up and changing the channel herself. Shes kind of lazy but not really, makes sense ? 2) To a sick person aka me, she was just too loud. So I was like so loud then she started screaming at me. What's your problem ? I told her I don't have a problem I'm just sick and you're loud and it's annoying me. Yeah. I complain like a bitch.

If my diary is missing and I need to write something down before I post it, I use my memo on my phone. Weehwhwhwhwhwheheuheuehehwu

I have a diary for things that are private. Not that it's too personal- I'm pretty much an open person, but it's more of the person it's about knowing my blog. No one really reads this, I reckon. It's just a place for me to document how I feel. But anyway this diary doesn't have a lock. I mean idc if they read it as long as they make sure I'm not there. Then they can bring up the stuff that's in it and we can just talk. I don't understand why aI have to write it down instead of just talking to them about it idk I'm weird. I'm at Roselands right now and I just ugh. I just need to write something down. My emotions are spilling. Or not idk. I'm going to write in my diary when I get home. It's going to be about overthinking, getting insecure then attempting to calm myself down by building higher walls and saying it doesn't matter, you don't care then I attempt to detach myself from anything I am fond of and I just stay 'cold' for a while until I get over it. It's easy for me to be cold towards everyone. I just say I'm tired and I don't end up talking. But if I had a choice, I would like to stop this overthinking business but I can't. Once bitten, twice shy, remember ?

http://ask.fm/karsdesu

Feel free to ask me anything or tell me about your day or tell me anything. Jokes ahaha as if anyone would actually talk to me -.-

But I don't think I need you

Ohh man I'm so tired. I did an 8:30-4 shift today and now I'm just at my family friend's place. Yes, I know I said I was probably gonna cut out the gatherings but wah :( Anyway, remember the list I made during my holidays ? Yeah I ended up doing most of those things !

Catch a ferry to Manly ? (My dept. principal said so, so why not ? Haha !)
I didn't get to but oh well !

Eat dem jap n00duhlz in da city
YES YES HNGGG AND I ALSO ATE AT PEPPER LUNCH YUM  !

MCA !!
Wasn't that good but atleast I did it !

Green tea shake in da city, anyone ?
Yes yum yum yummy yum ! I had oreo matcha frappè

Starbucks. Nuff said
I got to go to starbucks. Was in line nek minnit someone pokes my neck ! Turns around it was Corey and Emily. Corey is the guy I sit next to in bio and Emily is his girlfriend. Of all the people we ran into haha ! It was them !!

Stay in the city til it's dark ohohohoho
Yes ! We were just sitting at Darling harbour and it was nice. Across the body of water there were flashes and we tried to contact them by flashing back. No one replied hahahaha ! We had to walk home from Punchbowl station at night. I like walking tho. Feels old fashioned and you get to talk and do silly stuff like go in the middle of a roundabout and dance in the middle of the street.

Have someone surprise me lul jks never.
BEST. SURPRISE. EVER. I WAS FULL ON TEARY EHEHEH. YEAH STAY CURIOUS GUYS BECAUSE I'LL ONLY TELL YOU IF YOU ASK ME WHAT HAPPENED

Adv. Time and TWD bobble heads
I saw them but I didn't get them so...

Yum Cha @ Cabraaaa
Oh I didn't get to go to yum cha :( I have this thing that I really want to eat but wahhh

Draw (I just did LOL) or finish unfinished artwork
I drew my mummy. Failed.

Study bitch
I have a bit haha

Exercise lulz (GUISE I THINK I WENT SKINNIER COS MY DAD WENT TO THE PHILS LIKE IDK LAST YEAR AND BOUGHT ME SHORTS AND I TRIED THEM ON AND THEY FIT NICELY, UNLIKE LAST TIME. WINNING !)
Yes yes I did !

Exercise sesh with nugget. Probs just gonna walk haha
Yes ! Omg I feel so fat. Nugget is fit -.- and cute and adorable and charming and alluring and lovely and the best !!

Get my eyebrows done at Campsie ????
Got it done at Hurstville where I always get it done

That skull thing from typo.
Nu

So yeah. Pretty cool if you ask me. Gonna have to study and stuff tomorrow can I just ugh

Sometimes there are those days when you feel nothing at all and you're just empty and you'd do just about anything to feel something. Today was like that for me. Like yeah to most people it's not obvious cos on the outside you look fine. That is, until someone asks you what's wrong but they believe any excuse you give them. Empty. Thirst.

Then somedays, you feel everything all at once and you just want everything to stop or you just want to disappear for a while- anything to get away from the demons in your head. Drowning.

And then there is inbetween. You feel incredibly sad for no reason but it kind of feels like you're numb. This is how I feel now.

As I have previously mentioned, I have two 7-week assessment tasks. One of them is for food tech and basically we have to make a convenient heat and serve pasta+sauce for a specific target market. I have no problem whatsoever with making the food except for the fact that I have to somehow change the recipe around for about 2-3 times. What if in the first go, your dish is already good enough ? How are you gonna alter that ?
The thing I really hate though, and the thing that is a massive pain in the ass is the theory work that has to go along with it. The research oe so hard ! The material is hard to find ! Obviously my product can not cater for everyone some people prefer meat or chicken, some are vegetarian and ahh how would I know what a yuppie wants ? Well obviously they prefer whatever a lot of people are eating or what is a well known brand because they want to be associated with the words classy, sophisticated. But how would I know what a lot of people are buying !? This whole assessment task is worth 170 marks and weighs 20%. I really need to step it up but why am I panicking now !? Because I can't find recipes that would suit ! I don't know anymore man. I'm not balancing my time properly because I'm spending quite a lot of time on this assessment task. Did I mention that we have to make everything from scratch and that only the basic ingredients are provided therefore we have to bring our own ? So this costs money and I'm saving up and not working that much. Oh and we have to make our own label and our packaging has to be environmentally friendly. Yes labelling has to include a nutritional panel like how many kj or nutrients are in per serve, per 100g. This is just one assessment task. I've got 2 for Biology, and idk about the others. On top of that I have homework to do because this is a 9 week term and we have to cram all these information in all my subjects, I have to make study notes, do past HSC papers, work (which I'm not really complaining about because my teacher says that it takes your mind off school work but it doesn't. I am constantly thinking of school work and feel like I have to do it 24/7.), do some chores around the house and go to family friend gatherings, which is something that I will probably cross out to have more time for school work. I am terribly unorganized so apparently, I need to make a study time table and to do things fast. I don't like doing things fast because it takes time for me to absorb the information but once it's there, it's there for a loooong time. I also get distracted easily. It just always feels like I'm running out of time and I don't like that. I really don't. I need to step up across all my subjects and I don't want to drop anything so I have 2 units up my sleeve. I am writing this in the bus because well, this is all the time I have available to do so. I should probably be studying huh ? Yeah so I'm not sure if I'll be blogging much.